New study finds 30% of adults suffering from sobriety


As “Summer” is upon us… sort of… I’m sure like me your thoughts are turning to self-improvement.

A new study[1] has found that as many as 30% of the adult population of Ireland are suffering from sobriety, a condition that can leave you depressed, thirsty and generally grumpy.

There are some practical changes you can make to your lifestyle to combat this worrying trend.


We’ve all had some self-important-fitness-fanatic-amateur-dietician bleat on about how breakfast is the most important meal of the day blah blah blah, and that we need to add more fruit to our diets.

After extensive research I have discovered that tomatoes are fruits and regardless as to whether this is true or not, the simple addition of some tomato juice to your morning vodka delivers a healthy and delicious Bloody Mary. If the tomato juice isn’t to your taste, simply leave it out.


By brunch time, our bodies are naturally craving a pick-me-up. Tell your body that “you’re not the fucking boss of me” with a decent Martini, health freaks and pregnant ladies may choose to add an olive for the vitamins, minerals and other makey up things we can’t actually see or taste.


Lunch is of course the second most important meal of the day after breakfast and it’s time to get serious. Take the large cup of coke from your extra large quarter pounder with cheese meal with extra bacon and chicken tenders and pour out 200ml of the drink. Replace with 100ml of good quality dark rum and a squeezed lime.

Replace the plastic lid and settle back at your desk with the glowing sense of social superiority that only a cheeky Cuba Libre can deliver.

After lunch we all experience that post-lunch lag, where we feel sluggish and unable to tweet. Combat that with an Espresso Martini, the thinking man’s Vodka Red Bull.

At this stage you’ve probably written some kick arse tweets, poked someones cat on Facebook, delivered the most stinging put down in history to the guy in the Finance department, inappropriately touched various colleagues and made new friends within the HR department, it’s time to get physical.


It’s 4:00pm and time for that all important workout, take a moment and  workout how you can get out of the office without being noticed.

Walk briskly,  jog or run like fuck until your heart rate is above 300 bpm to your waiting car and get yourself out of Dodge, drive it like you stole it, they’ll never take you alive etc.

If you follow the above tips your mental health will undoubtedly improve, you’ll have more friends and fewer worries in life.

You’re welcome.

 [1] Study analysed the drinking habits of ten people in Residence a few weeks before Christmas when at least three didn't appear to be holding a drink.

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